The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
found my next D&D character name
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
🤣could you imagine
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.