The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
He-man has a Masters degree
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.