The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
You Might Also Like
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
yall want some gasoline milk
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Love this guy
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.