@Staggfilms

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

- @Staggfilms

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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
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Me: Shredder.

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

@WaltzingRhino

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@Tmoney68

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.