@Staggfilms: The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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@pant_leg: teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
@AndLive2Love: We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"
@kamweru_: Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
@BatBatshitcrazy: I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I'm absolutely horrified to say, they've never fit better.