The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.