The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.