Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.