Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…