The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
are there any atheist mantises?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough