Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.