The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely