@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

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@seancehat

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

@UnFitz

Her: The restaurant’s within walking distance.

Me: So…it’s somewhere in this living room?

@beingbernz

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

@TheAlexNevil

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

@MarfSalvador

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

@Browtweaten

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*