The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?