Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

I just ran a .003048K

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.