The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
This checks out
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.