The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“what that mouth do?” complain