@ericbove

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

- @ericbove

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@Easy_Tiger__

Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don’t panic. She’s just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.

@thedad

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

@LisaFarted

The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.

@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@lovemydogduck

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

@Browtweaten

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

@clichedout

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee