Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.