Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”