The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My Plans 2020
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
bad news gang
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.