Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

How I’d get arrested…

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

WHO DID THIS?

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.