Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet