Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

In Canada they just call them geese

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on