Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

5 ways to appear taller

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

It’s a gift

This classic never gets old . . .

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank