The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
