The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
relationship goals
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Okay this one takes it home
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA