The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
It’s on my to-do list.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over