The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
😂🖐️
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.