The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
These are my roll models.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do