The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.