Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

😎

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Genius idea!!

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?