The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.