Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Running from your problems is cardio .

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

this is the kind of friend i am

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.