Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

I try

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long