Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.