The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[eats all your cotton candy]
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
only 11 steps left
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for