Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

Now this is how you LinkedIn

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.