The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
what
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The median voter
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
pictures of spider-man
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.