The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
You Might Also Like
The government even made aliens boring
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.