The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
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A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Every. Damn. Time.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Are we there yet?…
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.