The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
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🤔😂😂
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I needed a laugh this morning.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
you’re so productive for your wage
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
realest tweet ever.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.