The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Spider-cat: No One Home
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.