The perfect label doesn’t exi-
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
wow he looks just like him
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My Sentiments Exactly
