Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.