Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

went fishing caught a bass

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”