Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*