the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I have no passwords left in me
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Real bees work best
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
