Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.