the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
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It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.