the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
You Might Also Like
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I was bored.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones