the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I love art.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The “baby” on the left….
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket