“The Perfect Relationship”
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Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“Theirye’re” problem solved
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
No, I don’t think I will.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”