Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

*jingles half the way*

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?