Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Bear knowledge

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”