The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
time for some seasonal decor
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…