The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”