The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere