The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
that’s really how it is
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Sir!!
