The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.