The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”