The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
You Might Also Like
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Science memes
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man