The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick