The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*