The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
You Might Also Like
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I camp so other people don’t have to.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.