The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
With this onion ring, I thee fed
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?