The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
me before I type out affect or effect
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
in the ocean
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.