The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx