The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
How did we not see this back then?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
BaD BoY!!
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family