The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.