The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The Joker was right
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.