The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet