Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.