The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”