The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.