The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Good morning, Twitter x
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Monica just destroyed the internet
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