The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
CRYING
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
