The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
![]()
You Might Also Like
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
![]()
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”