The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
You Might Also Like
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”