Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Another day, another…goddammit

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree