Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Ion see the issue

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.